Self-Image Revelations

Warning: This is a little personal for me, so I might get deep.

I love me, I love myself. I love my face, my eyes, my body. I'll start off saying that much. Lately, since I have starting working out, I have begun to wonder why I love myself. Sounds weird? Let me get into it a bit more.

Inside, I think that I am a wonderful person. Caring, giving, intelligent, loyal, etc. But I have always allowed the perception of others to influence my own feeling about my personal appearance.

When my granny basically told me I wasn't pretty bc I wasnt as light as my sister, I felt like I wasn't. For a long time I felt like I didnt measure up just because of some supposed shortcoming which I had no control over. My mother always tells me how people used to treat my sister like a princess and me like an outcast. And she isnt even that much lighter than me! We are 11 months apart, so I was the baby before my other sibs came. My daddy would carry her around, while holding my hand. Now that was like when I was 2 or 3 and I still remember it.

Eventually I got over the whole color thing...but there were other issues to follow. I was always skinny when I was younger, not curvy. Chicks had boobs in the 5th grade and I was still rockin the Beauty and the Beast undershirt. I didnt have little boyfriends or any of that. I buried myself in books, and writing, so I didnt really pay it anymind.

Now as I got through high school, things started spreading and filling out. I was fine with how I looked. But I am realizng that the reason I thought I was attractive was because people told me that. Men liked me, and how I looked and that felt good. From senior year of high school up until now, I have received all types of compliments and that feels good.

But...

Recently I looked in the mirror, and weighed myself, and was very sad. Somehow, someway I have gained 20 pounds. My mom and my sisters all say I hide it well, but that isn't good enough for me. The bottom line is this: I DON'T LIKE THE WAY I LOOK!! I gained so much weight, and ignored it because other people told me I looked good. I went from buying medium to large to XL shirts without giving it much notice. I blamed it on my breasts getting larger, but damn it my tummy was poking out too. I have been wearing a size 10 pants forever, but I have to admit they are a little tighter now, and I have been sneaking to 11/12s.

Everytime I tell a guy that I am working out in the gym now (with the exception of Marc, who sees the benefits of working out beyond weight loss), I get the same response: "Why? You look good." That isn't enough for me anymore.

I realized that I was so caught up in the compliments and admiration from other people, that I forgot what my standards for myself are.


So with these new revelations, I am trying to refocus on me. I am gonna play less attention to what people say about me, and think more about how i feel about myself.

To be continued....