This year so far has been all about self-discovery, and other revelations. I've spent so much time alone that I couldn't help to learn about myself. So, I'm sharing my top ten truths here:

1. I don't love him anymore. FINALLY!!! I remember thinking he was dead, finding out about the babies, and facing her. I remember when the girl who introduced me to him told me they had been sleeping together. I remember the nicknames, and the songs. I remember wanting to look for him in the projects where he lived with her. I thought I needed to see him again, to get some closure or at least some clarity on why he treated me the way he did, but I'm good now. I'm over him and I thank him for preparing me to love and appreciate someone who was worthy of what I had to give.
The day I let go
I breathed a sigh of let go
And never looked back

2. Damn, I'm a freak. I'm accepting of so many things that seemed extreme. I'm happy to be open-minded. Pierced nipples used to seem so absurd to me, but now they are a possibility. I have a fantasy of having sex in a public place and being seen. Phone sex is a big turn-on which is why Girl 6 is one of my favorite movies. I'm not embarrassed about my feelings toward sex, and I feel great about that.

Handcuffs on my wrists
Honey drips slow from my tits
Leave the blinds open

3. I really do like "white people music", as my brother calls it. It's not some quirk I latched on to in order to fit in with my white friends, as some people may think. It's funny because most of them had more hip hop in their collections than I did. Maroon 5, Green Day, and Coldplay are on the top of my list. John Mayer speaks to me, and I've been listening to Alanis Morrisette since junior high. On the low, I'm digging Celine Dion and Gretchen Wilson. I used to be embarrassed by my different tastes, and now the very same people who used to diss me are bumping John Mayer, Coldplay, and Maroon 5 just because Jay-Z and Kanye West say they’re hot.
Don’t change the station
Don’t fuck with my radio
And we’ll be alright

4. I miss writing. With my classes, I didn’t have time to devote to my writing. NO, let me tell the truth. I didn’t manage my time well enough to stay on top of my books and pour energy into my stories and poetry.
I feel like myself
Watching, thinking, and then
Writing it all out

5. I really miss reading for pleasure. Last semester I took a Pan-African Women’s Literature class and I was introduced to Edwidge Danticat, former Black Panther Party member Elaine Brown, and reintroduced to Jamaica Kincaid. This summer I want to read more from these and other women, and learn of their struggles and joy.
Pages and Pages
Inspire me to become
A warrior girl

6. I’ve wasted a lot of time and energy caring about what people thought about me. Correction: what the wrong people seen in me. Well, I’m over that now. I remember being so upset that a girl in my class made it known she didn’t like me. I was dying to know why and she couldn’t tell me. Now I could care less. If you can’t help me move forward, or provide encouragement then I have no use for you anyway. Moving on. . .
Don’t gotta like me
I’ll be fine without yo ass
So just keep steppin


7. I haven’t spoken to God in a long time. There have been many times I needed to pray, but I didn’t. I won’t even talk about how many times I have forgotten to say grace before eating. I want to get the faith back into my life. I will start by asking Him to forgive me for neglecting him.
It’s been a long time
Since He and I had a talk
His arms are open

8. All of my jeans have not been shrunken in the washing machine. I am gaining weight. My thighs are thicker, and my tummy has more of a pudge to it than it’s ever had. But I won’t bitch, moan or complain. I am not going to blame it on the washer, the mirrors, or the clothing companies who cut their clothes smaller these days. I am going to abandon all conspiracy theories. I’m gonna make use of the Bally’s pass I’ve been paying for since January and get to the point where I feel healthier and I look the way I want to look.
It’s not the washer
Stopping my thighs from my jeans
I gotta get right


9. I am getting better about procrastinating. I like having things in order. I feel good turning in papers early, and not having to pop Vivarin or drink coffee to get things done.
Bullshitting has ceased
No longer putting off shit
That can be done now

10. I truly believe that everyone has the right to live the life they are truly happy to live. I accept so many different lifestyles, yet I still know who I am. I don’t want people to judge me, so I try to be as tolerant as possible. I’ve met some of the kindest, intelligent, and genuine people in the world who lived the most unbelievable lifestyles, and they couldn’t be happier. That’s how I want to carry out my life. Doing what I want, regardless of the stares, or disapproving glares from conservative fucks who lead bottled up, depressed lives.
Live how you wanna
Give them shit to talk about
But fuck what they say