Christmas

Christmas was wonderful...I seen my crazy sister, my grandma, and my uncle. I spent time with my saner sisters and my mom, and I took time out to acknowledge the birth of Christ. I realized that holidays, and really, any other day, are what you make of them. I thought Christmas was going to be depressing, and dreary, but I got gifts, ate good food, and watched the kids tear open toys. Now I know that as long as each morning I wake up I tell myself that the day is going to be great, I am making moves to control my own destiny.

My favorite people of 2004

In no particular order...

My family
Marc
Barack Obama
Al Sharpton
Fantasia
Demetrius
Nas
Mos Def

My favorite things of 2004

in no particular order...

Sony Ericsson t610 cell phone
sushi
mechanical pencils
Johnson's Nourishing Milk Lotion
beef patties
stilettos
any shoes by Dollhouse
Bath & Bodyworks Cotton Blossom body cream and body wash
sheer camisoles
Tivo
MAC lipglass
Essence Magazine
Chipotle's fajita burritos
Def Poets
Girlfriends
America's Next Top Model

Tick Tock...Part One

Lately my biological clock has been ticking...loudly. I've been having these strange feelings. I brushed them off at first, but they kept coming back, stronger and stronger. It started when I began babysitting my beautiful niece Sidney on a regular basis. She is just heavenly, a very well behaved baby. I look at her in disbelief sometimes. It's hard to imagine that through a few moments of pleasure, a life is created. It's almost surreal, but we all were created in this fashion.

I think that is the first time in my life that I have ever seriously had the desire to have a child. I am one of the only girls in my high school graduating class that has not had a child, but I don't really feel like I am missing out. I will have so much to offer a child once I am mentally and financially prepared.

I take care of my sibs pretty often, and that makes me feel good. There is something about nurturing that really appeals to me. I like cooking for them, bathing them, reading to them, and protecting them from the world when I can. Their smiles make me smile on my bad days.

Maybe I should just get a dog. I had a beta fish last year, and I treated her like a daughter. I talked to her, took care of her tank well, and never left her in the dorm overnight. She thrived from all of my attention. When she finally died, I cried like I had lost a child.

I don't want a babydaddy, that's for sure. I watch too much Maury, Mathis, and Mabelline to know that I don't need the drama that comes with having children out of wedlock. In addition to my court tv lessons, I have seen the drama up close and personal within my own family, especially the relationship (or lack thereof) between my parents.

Before I have a child, I must have a husband. I want to be married for at least a year before we have kids, so that my husband and I can have some 'couple time' before the kids roll in. I also want to be out of school and stable in my career.

Right now. I am going to continue playing mommy with other people's kids, because you can always send them home. And I am gonna keep hitting the snooze on my biological clock.


I want our Parenthood to come from Planning--Common

New Year's Resolution???

How many times have I made a list of all the things I plan on accomplishing within the upcoming year? I still remember the first list I ever made. At the very top was 'doing it' for the first time. That is so, so funny to me now. I think I was around 14 or 15. Also, I wanted to become a more serious student, even though I was doing alright in my classes. Well, neither one of them happened that following year, but I kept making those lists every December 31st. For whatever reason, following New Year's resolutions is never easy, especially for a procrastinator like me. Last year, I vowed to write a poem a day, and I did well for the first few months of 2004, then I fell into a slump. I think I said I would stop swearing as much, but I am just getting over the hump.

So in December of 2004, I am making a declaration...I will never write another list of New Years Resolutions again. All I will do is look forward to the future with optimism, and make sure that my goals are clear to me. If I don't get everything done, so be it. Whatever I do, I will make sure I do my very best. I would rather accomplish 5 things to the best of my ability, than finish 10 things half-assed.

So, now the question is: what do I want to do? For starters, I would like to finish my book. I have been working really hard to make this a quality piece of work. If I don't get the 9 to 11 chapters I would like to end with done, then I would like to have at least 4 well written chapters. I would also like to have a few more poems done.

Next, I would like to strengthen my strong friendships. The people I really consider friends have known me since high school, some junior high, and a few go way back to elementary school. I really want to get closer to the women in my life. I have very few female friends, (which is another blog entry within itself), but I would like to maintain my relationships with the women in my life. I think it's so important that we as women, especially black women, share bonds of understanding and sisterhood. We share so many experiences, insecurities and fears that it's imperative that we stick together. I have made it a point to compliment at least one woman each day. Not only does it make me feel good about myself, but as we all know, everyone loves a compliment.

There are many things I want to do, and I am very excited about 2005. I had a hard year, anyone who knows me can vouch for that. But there were high points that I cherish deeply, and people who know me can vouch for that as well. I lost friends, made friends, tried new things, welcomed my niece into the world, and learned the true meaning of unconditional love. I found out where my passion lies, and I dicovered my profound love for stilettos. I saw new places, read new books, and confronted one of my biggest fears. I cried in '04 and smiled more than I ever have in my adult life. I can honestly say I had more good days than bad. I lost myself and found myself over and over.

I will look to 2004 with fondness, and I will welcome 2005 like a new friend.

Me in 3s....

THREE NAMES YOU GO BY:
1. Shatira
2. Tira
3. Tee

THREE SCREEN NAMES YOU HAVE HAD:
1. Mscocoa83 (AIM)
2. SHEGOTTAHAVEIT83 (AIM)
3. Grwnandsxytira (YAHOO!)

THREE THINGS YOU LIKE ABOUT YOURSELF:
1. My dimples
2. My boobs
3. Sense of humor

THREE THINGS YOU HATE/DISLIKE ABOUT YOURSELF:
1. My tummy
2. I’m a horrible procrastinator
3. I’m a little too nice

THREE PARTS OF YOUR HERITAGE:
1. My great-grandma is half Cherokee, what does that make me?
2.African-
3.American, that's all I know



THREE THINGS THAT SCARE YOU:
1. Bugs and rodents
2. Death
3. Failure

THREE OF YOUR EVERYDAY ESSENTIALS:
1. Facial scrub
2. Cell phone
3. Music


THREE THINGS YOU ARE WEARING RIGHT NOW:
1. slippers
2. black shorts
3. wifebeater

THREE OF YOUR FAVORITE BANDS (or artists(at the moment)):
1. Nas
2. Roots
3. Van Hunt

THREE OF YOUR FAVORITE SONGS AT PRESENT:
1. Footsteps in the Dark-Isley Brothers
2. Breakaway - Kelly Clarkson
3. Sekou's Story - Nas

THREE NEW THINGS YOU WANT TO TRY IN THE NEXT 12 MONTHS
1. Managing my money
2. Budgeting my time better
3. Running a 5k

THREE THINGS YOU WANT IN A RELATIONSHIP (love is a given):
1. Fidelity
2. Deep intense intimacy
3. Laughter


TWO LIES AND A TRUTH
1. I download 90% of my music
2. I changed my birthname to Shatira
3. I went to a swinger's party and got caught in a 3-way with a porn star and his brother

THREE PHYSICAL THINGS ABOUT THE OPPOSITE SEX (or same) THAT APPEAL TO YOU:
1. Nice eyes
2. Height
3. Smile


THREE THINGS YOU JUST CAN’T DO:
1. Get to sleep on time
2. Be around people who condescend to me
3. Cheat on someone I love

THREE OF YOUR FAVORITE HOBBIES:
1. Writing poetry
2. Reading
3. Shopping

THREE THINGS YOU WANT TO DO REALLY BADLY RIGHT NOW:
1. Eat something sweet
2. Buy some shoes
3. Visiting NJ

THREE CAREERS YOU’RE CONSIDERING:
1. A&R for some record label
2. Marketing somehow in corporate America
3. Author

THREE PLACES YOU WANT TO GO ON VACATION:
1. Tokyo
2. London
3. Paris


THREE KID’S NAMES
1. My future husband’s name here, Jr.
2. Malik (Somalian for king)
3. Adanna (Father's loving daughter)

THREE THINGS YOU WANT TO DO BEFORE YOU DIE:
1. Get married to someone I truly love
2. Travel out of the country, specifically Africa
3. Finish my damn book

Not your average girl from your video...

Remember that song, "Video" by india arie? I can still remember buying the CD from Coconuts in March of 2001. It was my jam back then, and it still echoes in my head. I atually loved the whole CD. I embraced the song "Brown Skin" as a testament to the beauty of my own brown skin, and the adversity I faced as one of the only dark kids in my family. But, from my original purpose of blogging right now, I digress...

Back to the future, 2004...damn near 2005. I am becoming increasingly more aware of the love affair men share with video girls, a.k.a. video models, b.k.a. eye candy, or the less flattering and totally derogatory, video hoes. Magazines like XXL and Source sell more because of the vixens, and videos are passed across the internet like dirty magazines in middle school classrooms.

As a woman, I am not jealous of these women. I am confident enough to say that they are beautiful. Hell, I will even go further and say that some of them are drop dead gorgeous. Of course men are gonna look at them, that's why they are stategically placed in these videos. Do you think the "Freek-a-Leek" video would have received as much airplay were it not for the voluptuous Esther Baxter? I mean, the song's hot, but Petey Pablo alone wouldn't have climbed the video up the chart.

Ladies, why get mad because your man looks? Buys the magazines? At least he isn't keeping it a secret. If you get angry, perhaps there is something within you that you would like to change. Most of the time when we hear the likes of Melyssa Ford, Vida Guerra, or Miya Granatella referred to as "video hoes", it's by women. Perhaps insecure, maybe envious. Most of the time these women are college students, aspiring actresses, and just overall intelligent. I am not mad at them for making money using their looks, as long as they demand respect, and never compromise their true selves. Everyone has a hustle, at least they aren't on some street corner.

I would never really try to aspire to look like those women. I mean, the cameras play tricks on you, magazines airbrush, and plastic surgery occurs more than we'll ever know. I'm not hating, I'm just saying. The way I see it, everyone has something, no one has everything. No matter what you may think. I mean, I have nice breasts, (so I've been told), but my ass could be better (so I've also been told)...my legs are nice, but my tummy could be flatter. See? I love that I can be confident. If my guy talks about a video girl, more power to him. I work out for myself, not to become a different person for someone else

I know back in the day, I was salivating over D'angelo in that video..y'all know which one. Now that was a quality video. Shoot, truth be told, I still have the video stored on my pc. Why can't they have more male eye candy? Even women's videos like Trina, Lil Kim, etc are full of Ethnicity Models and whatnot. As a marketing major, I know the scheme, it's all about what people wanna see. Image is everything, imagery fuels the imagination, and leads men to watch the videos, browse, or buy the magazines, and form internet message boards to discuss the beauties.



I learned to love myself unconditionally, because I am a queen...

The book...

In case you don't know, I am writing a book. I think of it as my baby. But unfortunately, I have been neglecting my baby lately. I don't give her enough attention, and quite frankly, I been dissing her in a big way.

I am really proud of how much I have done so far, but I should be way further than where I am...I kept setting deadlines and whatnot, but each time I was defeated.

When I first started my book I was so enthused. I could sit and write for hours. All the ideas just came to me as I sat at my computer. They would just pour out. I thought I would have more ideas than chapters, but now the well is running dry.

I just need a little more motivation, and soon. Damn, I could finish by the new year if I wanted to. The question is, do I?

"What's it all about"?

"What's it all about"? I found myself asking that question to myself all the time. I wonder what life is all about. I am a big believer in the Law of Cause and Effect...it's so cliche these days to say that everything happens for a reason, but its so true...so instead of belly-aching and whining about certain things I have to do, i.e., studying, taking care of the sibs, etc., I am satisfied in the fact that there is a reason for everything. I study to learn, and pass my classes, and I take care of the kids because I love them, and I want to help my mother. To answer the question I originally set out to answer, it's all about discovery. Life is all about learning about yourself and your environment, and then setting out to make things better than they were before you arrived on the scene.