***Originally posted on my Yahoo 360 blog Christmas Day. . .
Christmas was good. The same as every year. The sibs played with their toys all day, and I ate too much. I watched the Heat/Lakers game, and old Christmas episodes of 227 and The Simpsons. It was a good day.
My Cavs beat the Bulls tonight. . .yeeeeeeeea boy.
I'm not big on New Year's resolutions. People make them, and they are usually forgotten by the third week of January. I've done it before. I've made lists, long ones that seemed rational, but I could barely remember what was on them. I did keep my promise to workout. I'm more content with looking forward to the new year with a sense of optimism and just going from there.
I put aside my writing for a little bit. I had so much studying to do this semester, that my writing seemed like a chore. Anyone who writes with passion should understand how scary that is. My stories were becoming like chores so therefore, I haven't really written anything in about two months. I have so many ideas in my head now, so I guess I'll get on it soon.
I had this whole blog about people who lack tact, but I deleted it. I decided that I'm not really caring what people say to me, or how they say it. I want respect, but very little fazes me these days. I'm currently in a stage where I am listening to that little voice inside, and going with the gut, instincts and shit like that. I was all set to be pissed over some comments my ex who lives down the hall made about me, but then I decided that it really didn't matter. I could have told him about himself, but he knows he was wrong. I could have launched into a tirade about all the things wrong with him, but I wasn't on it. I wanna say that in 2006. . .I AIN'T ON IT!!! But hell, why wait?
I talked with one of my oldest friends a few days ago, and he tells me how he and another friend nicknamed me "Sweetface". He claims that when people first meet me, they think I'm young and naive. They think I'm too nice to let people know the deal, or too nice to see the truth. Maybe I won't mind this young face when I'm 40, provided that it's still here. So does this mean I need to toughen up? Nah, I'm pretty hardcore already. Should I work harder to prove my edge to people? Nope. You know why? Because I AIN'T ON IT!!! All I can say is don't let the sweet face fool you. That's it.
Ahhh, felt good to ramble for a bit. . .Peace, y'all.
**Originally posted on my Yahoo 360 Page.Secrets. Truth. Apologies.
I think we hold secrets in that don't necessarily need to be kept. Just one (or two, or three, etc) more things that we bury deep inside of ourselves, we find solace in convincing ourselves that it's irrelevant, but in truth, we are slowly dying. . .
Isn't that scary?
I've said, 'it's killing me to keep this secret' too many times before, and I'm starting to believe that it really can kill you to hold things in. I used to feel a real need to have a secret. People would divulge juicy secrets to me, and I'd either keep them or spill them at my own discretion. Of course I'd deny being the squealer if it ever got back to the person. I'm sorry for that.
I've lied at times, horribly to get what I want in every area of my life, whether it be from a man, a sibling, my mother, or any other relative. NO, I never lie to other relatives because I don't want or need them to give me anything. The relationships have been strained for years for a variety of reasons, and I don't know who needs to mend things.
My mother has made me lie. I resent her for that. I don't want to make it seem as if she's ruined me for life, but over the past few years, she's really made decisions that I don't get behind, yet I give support because bottom line, that's my mother. We're supposed to honor our parents, and so I do.
Can you honor without respecting? Nope. Honor is basically a show of respect. So I guess I don't honor my father, because I can't respect him. I think about the things I've dealt with because of him. He has abandoned his children and only thought of himself. I used to cry and wonder why he didn't love me, if there was something I could do to make him love me. I realize that he didn't come from a place of love, because his father wasn't there for him, and his people aren't the most affectionate. So once again, here's another young woman scorned by her daddy, that has tried to find all the things she needed from him in others. (Damn, listen to "Father in You", on Mary J. Blige's new CD Breakthrough. It's all in there.) I used to think, "how can a man who helped create me, not love me? And if this man, whom I eerily resemble, whom I am a part of, the second child from his loins, cannot love me, then what man could?" It affected me more than I ever realized. As I grow older, I realize what the lack of a daddy does to a girl.
Men lied to me, cheated on me, even stole from me, and I've done the same as a sort of revenge. The problem was, I wasn't doing these things back to the same people who did them to me. But inside of my sick little heart I was happy. NOTE: When I say stole, I am not necessarily referring to material possessions, I am also referring to things such as my innocence, my trust, and my love. Taking advantage of the caring nature of a person is a crime in itself.
I have to admit that I have said and done certain things to people for my writing. I know my power not only as a woman, but as an intelligent, creative, and persuasive woman. I've dragged men through encounters or relationships with me just so I'd have a good writing experience. I used to laugh it off with a friend of mine and say, "What the hell? It's for the book." But in reality, the experiments and ideas began outweighing the book. I was writing less and plunging deeper into this self that I didn't respect. Mental manipulation was always my intention. I remember professing to love a certain person, and wanting a relationship with them just to see what emotions I could bring out, and that was wrong. I stroked his ego, and got some decent poetry from it, but it was wrong because I deceived this dude. So, when you read this, NO, you aren't being vain, this really is about you, and I truly regret what I did.
I'm in love with my whole heart for the first time in my life. It's a scary, sexy, amazing, blessed experience. There are so many obstacles in the way of this relationship, but there's so much potential there. Despite what others say, I cannot give up on this, and I would never forgive myself for not giving it every chance in the world. My heart is filled with optimism for the future.
The thing about this man is that, no matter how I've tried on a number of occasions, I cannot lie to him. I tell him when I haven't gone to the gym, when I'm not eating right, and when I get bad grades. I take his criticism, his praise, his bitchings, his moanings all in stride.
I have given him more of me than any other man. This has been my most special relationship. We laugh and joke and share things with one another that either no one or only a small few know. if it's going to hurt me, but help me, he does not hesitate to share it. I am working on being the same with him. I'm good, but still a work-in-progress.
You know, the early morning hours bring out the honesty in me, I should write like this more often. . .
