Alright Jamie

I've been a fan since Wanda from in Living Color. I always knew he would break out, and now the Oscar only shows that the world recognizes it. Congratulations!!

We know...

What we gotta do to make them see
We got a good thing going on
Wanna tell the world if they don't know
That what we have is real
Wanna shout it from the mountains baby
That I love you, but if they don't hear me
I know, you know, we know
"We know" Talib Kweli & Faith Evans

*UGH*

I'm having one of those blah days. I can find whatever it is in a person that annoys the hell out of me. Whether it's a stranger or a family member. I am so pissed that this morning while I was sitting at the bus stop, this guy sits beside me, smoking a cigarette, and blowing the smoke all up in my face. I could have bashed his head in. Even after I started coughing hard, he kept going. The he gets on the phone, talking all load and stuff, steady smoking. If I had a gun, he'd be gone, I swear.

INCONSIDERATE BASTARD!!

Gloves Off

You inconsiderate, evil, ungrateful witch. You think everyone is supposed to bend over and kiss your ass. I hate the fact that you think that if someone needs you, they have to kiss your ass. I hate the fact that you thrive on your own misery. I wish that you could be happy being happy. You have a job, you are almost done with school, and you have a beautiful child. Do you have to find the ill part in that? You must like wearing a frown.

You ruined your own birthday. Who does that? I mean really. You were not happy until you made everyone else miserable.

And you know me, being the kind, gentle soul I am...I always let it go. I forgive you because you are my sister, and because I know what our fighting does to our mother. I try to keep the peace, and you take advantage of me. My kindness is being taken for weakness and those days are done, I swear.

I don't care how long we don't speak..

How if I have to take the bus to school as opposed to getting a ride from you.

I am not apologizing to you for the sake a anyone's sanity.

This is petty, but I don't care. You will see that I am taking the gloves off, and dealing with you woman to woman.

Shopping

I love shopping, like many other women, and men as well. Am I addicted? I dunno. Maybe. Let's see.

I am always browsing online at all the sites I have conveniently bookmarked.

I'll buy clothes when I don't really need them, or if I already have the item in a different color.

I have been known to hide clothes sometimes.

I maxed out my granny's credit card in high school.

I'll find clothes with tags on them in the back of my closet.

I like shopping alone, and sometimes when I'm sad it makes me feel better.

I used to name my tshirts...
Damn, I forgot about that last one.. this isn't looking good....


So, yea, my name is Shatira and I am obsessed with shopping. I love hot shoes, nice jackets, and tight jeans. Give me a cute poncho, or a tshirt with a cute saying on it and I am happy. Don't get me started in Victoria's Secret. My favorite clothing purchase was when I hired this seamstress to make my gorgeous prom dress. I loved going into the store and feeling different fabrics and seeing all the pretty colors.

Shoes are the new thing with me. I love funky shoes, that most people might not be feeling. I love tall heels, and bright colored pumps. In the summer it's flip-flops and mesh tennis shoes.

But see the thing is, I have it all under control.

I only buy things on sale, and I shop outlets, and I love coupons. Half price sales are my best friends. I dont just buy for myself, I buy for my sisters as well. Sometimes I buy things to treat myself, like if I had a hard week, or if I got a good grade.

I just like clothes. And it's not like I am all into couture or high price things. Like I said, I shop cheap, but quality. Old Navy, Gap, NY & Co....I'm not fancy, and the only reason I bought the mink vest was because it was on sale. And most of the tshirts I got from Old Navy were on sale for $1.97..who could pass that up? I hit the thrift store because I have found a few gems there.

I've seen clothing that was a bit pricey for me, so I've gone home and recreated it myself. I am not a fashion designer nor a seamtress, but I know a thing or two.

Then, for all the shopping I do, I feel like somehow it balances out in the universe. I try to go through my closets every few months or so. Things I am no longer wearing I donate to either Salvation Army, Purple Heart Veterans Association, or the Federation of the Blind. Also I give my sister and my cousins clothes all the time as well.

So shopping is a habit I have, and I could stop any time I want. Up until a couple of years ago, I worked since I was around thirteen years old. That was the last time my mother ever bought clothes for me. I have take care of my school clothes, formal dresses, etc. I think I have a lot of stress on me so this is my one release...let a sista have something, ok?

I am such a procrastinator. I take the longest time to do the things that I need to get done, and then I have an attitude when I am up late. I should know better by now. I am a senior in college, dammit. I remember being in the 5th grade, and have a report on Malcolm X due. I didn't start it until the Sunday before it was due. I mean, I got an A on it, and I usually do well on things I put off, but I know that I would cause my self a lot less stress if I just started early.

I was a master crammer. I could have a test at 745 am, and start studying at midnight the night before. I mean, sure that was cool in high school and freshman year, because the subject matters weren't all that taxing, but now I'm catching hell for having to play catch-up all the time.


For example, I had to take an exam for my services marketing class at 8am this morning. I have known about the test for a few weeks, yet I didnt really start studying until last night. I mean before that, I glanced over the pages, but I didnt really attempt to absorb anything. I blamed it on everyone else, kids distracting me, my grandma's constant calling, whatever. But yesterday, around 2am, I sat down with the book and went over 5 chapters. I got to school and took the test, which I think I did pretty well on. I would have done better MAYBE if I had gotten some sleep, and maybe if I had started earlier.

Damn, damn, damn, what is wrong with me? I write a schedule, then I have a hard time following. The craziest thing is, if I make a schedule with all the things I would like to accomplish daily, (working out, working on the book, studying, reading, etc) and actually followed it, I would actually have time to do everything that I needed to do within a day, instead of going to bed with a bunch of stuff to do, and planning on waking up early to finish it, which I almost never end up doing. That's what make my procrasting, or pussyfooting as my granny puts it, so bad. I know what I have to do, and I am actually procrastinating putting an end to my procrastinating!!


I remember when I used to say that I did my best work under pressure. That is so not true anymore, if it ever was to begin with. All I know is that I need to stop putting things off, because all that does is allow the work to pile up. It's time for me to refocus and prioritize everything in my life. Wait, I said that last year and I put it off.

*sigh*

My People, My people...

*shaking my head* Check this site out (copy and paste the link)http://hotghettomess.com/

Self-Image Revelations

Warning: This is a little personal for me, so I might get deep.

I love me, I love myself. I love my face, my eyes, my body. I'll start off saying that much. Lately, since I have starting working out, I have begun to wonder why I love myself. Sounds weird? Let me get into it a bit more.

Inside, I think that I am a wonderful person. Caring, giving, intelligent, loyal, etc. But I have always allowed the perception of others to influence my own feeling about my personal appearance.

When my granny basically told me I wasn't pretty bc I wasnt as light as my sister, I felt like I wasn't. For a long time I felt like I didnt measure up just because of some supposed shortcoming which I had no control over. My mother always tells me how people used to treat my sister like a princess and me like an outcast. And she isnt even that much lighter than me! We are 11 months apart, so I was the baby before my other sibs came. My daddy would carry her around, while holding my hand. Now that was like when I was 2 or 3 and I still remember it.

Eventually I got over the whole color thing...but there were other issues to follow. I was always skinny when I was younger, not curvy. Chicks had boobs in the 5th grade and I was still rockin the Beauty and the Beast undershirt. I didnt have little boyfriends or any of that. I buried myself in books, and writing, so I didnt really pay it anymind.

Now as I got through high school, things started spreading and filling out. I was fine with how I looked. But I am realizng that the reason I thought I was attractive was because people told me that. Men liked me, and how I looked and that felt good. From senior year of high school up until now, I have received all types of compliments and that feels good.

But...

Recently I looked in the mirror, and weighed myself, and was very sad. Somehow, someway I have gained 20 pounds. My mom and my sisters all say I hide it well, but that isn't good enough for me. The bottom line is this: I DON'T LIKE THE WAY I LOOK!! I gained so much weight, and ignored it because other people told me I looked good. I went from buying medium to large to XL shirts without giving it much notice. I blamed it on my breasts getting larger, but damn it my tummy was poking out too. I have been wearing a size 10 pants forever, but I have to admit they are a little tighter now, and I have been sneaking to 11/12s.

Everytime I tell a guy that I am working out in the gym now (with the exception of Marc, who sees the benefits of working out beyond weight loss), I get the same response: "Why? You look good." That isn't enough for me anymore.

I realized that I was so caught up in the compliments and admiration from other people, that I forgot what my standards for myself are.


So with these new revelations, I am trying to refocus on me. I am gonna play less attention to what people say about me, and think more about how i feel about myself.

To be continued....

School/Working Out

So, I am back in school for yet another semester. I am trying my hardest to stay focused. I think this semester will be a little better for me. I don't have as many distractions as I have had in previous semesters: I'm not sick, my mom is alright, and I don't have as much responsibility at home. I have a kick ass schedule: Tues/Thurs- 4 classes, and Mon/Fri- 1 class. My classes are pretty interesting and I am determined to stay on top of all my work. Thanks to the help of someone special I have made a schedule for studying, and working out...

Yea, I'm working out now. Marc told me about the Discovery Health Challenge, which offers a free 8-week membership to Bally's. Since Bally's is right around the corner from me, I decided to go ahead and enroll. My sister Michelle who is trying to shed her baby weight, signed up as well.

First of all, the Bally's is ghettofabulous, full of all sorts of characters. The chick at the front desk is mean and surly, and did I mention a tad overweight? I wonder if employees are required to work out, or at least provided with a discount.

But, I must say the men are very friendly. I mean honestly, from the moment my sister and I walked in, they were so eager to assist us with any and everything we needed. This one guy, cute in a fly-white guy/Jon B sorta way showed me the proper way to use a couple of the machines, and even offered to spot me, even though I was on the treadmill and didn't really need help.

There isn't much eye candy at this gym, (for me anyhow). A couple pieces but usually I am so focused on what I am doing that I don't even look up. But I am glad that I see so many African Americans trying to get fit and shed pounds. I get motivated when I see women bigger than me working harder than me on the machines. It makes me want to work more and fulfill my goals.