28 Revelations

***With my birthday less than a month away, I took today to reflect on some life lessons and revelations I've come across. This next year is going to be absolutely AMAZING, because I say so.

1. Writing down your goals helps you stay focused.

2. There's no particular timeline for accomplishing your goals.

3. When someone shows you who they are, believe them.

4. There is a thin line between being appreciated and being taken advantage of. The sooner you learn the difference, the better off your life will be.

5. The Law of Attraction is very real. We all have the power to change the things we invite into our lives.

6. Gratitude is a way of life. We should be grateful for all things big and small. The simplest things like waking up in the morning should be appreciated.

7. No one can love you if you don't love yourself.

8. When you have a good thing, you should shout it from the mountains.

9. Peace of mind is a beautiful thing.

10.Every action has a consequence.

11. Words have power. Choose them wisely and be ready to deal with the repercussions.

12. Music is medicine.

13. Giving should be the most unselfish act you do.

14. Spiritual love is the greatest love of all.

15. There's no standard rule book for relationships. Each one is different, and the understanding between 2 people should not have to be explained to anyone else.

16. We become the company we keep.

17. No matter what we do for others, we must do something for ourselves.

18.There's nothing sexier than a man who loves a woman with a past. It shows that he knows that what she did made her who she is, and that change is possible.

19.Progress is a process.

20. Writers write, and writers read.

21. I embrace struggle. It is our greatest teacher.

22. Loving yourself can be a challenge sometimes, but the outcome is amazing.

23. It's ok to be selfish sometimes.

24. There is nothing like family.

25. Feeling good is a state of mind.

26. The big secret in life is that there is no big secret. Whatever your goal, you can get there if you're willing to work.

27. We are each responsible for our own life - no other person is or even can be

28. Knowing that faith moves mountains gives me the strength to climb.

Fathers Be Good To Your Daughters

**In an effort to free myself, I am writing about things I’ve never revealed. There will be no baggage in 2012**

I wish my father would have been more of a father to my sisters and I. He was never consistently present in our lives. When I was a teenager he married and became a father to two stepsons, and had two more children (sons).

I always knew where he was. I always knew how to find him. My paternal grandmother has lived in the same place for years. My mother actually worked in a school directly across the street from her. His family wasn’t interested in getting to know us, and he never really attempted to bridge the gap.

I recently had a guy I dated years ago tell me that every woman he had ever dated had a daddy issue, and that I was no exception. He went on to explain that because my father wasn’t an ever-present force in my life, I was jaded in my dealings with men. He tried to soften the blow by saying that I didn’t let men take advantage of me, but I also didn’t let them get close to me. He also said that I “dated like a man”, meaning that I was never passive or pressed when it came to men and dating. Initially, I was upset, but I have been taking the time to evaluate my feedback from others.

Maybe I did have some daddy issues. That man disappointed me so much in my life that eventually I learned not to ever fully trust a man. I wasn’t cold and bitter about it, but I was very cautious. The early part of my twenties was spent dating frequently and not getting close. When I finally fell in love, I still held back. My reluctance to completely give myself played a role in the undoing of my relationship. I spent so much time trying to appear unaffected, that I didn't focus enough on what I had and the potential it had.

As I approach my thirties, I am looking back at every single year of my life since I turned 18. By the time my mother was 18, she had two children. By the time she turned 24, she had five. I think about myself from the ages of 18-24 and I know that I couldn’t have been anyone’s mother. I knew that back then as well, and made sure I didn’t put myself in that predicament.

My parents weren’t ready to be parents. I’m totally ok with the fact that I was not planned. Most of us weren’t. If I had a child at 19 years old, I probably would be just as lost and clueless as he was. The difference between my father and my mother is that when he made the choice to walk away, my mother made the choice to grow up, and raise her children. She openly admits that she has made poor decisions, but she also takes accountability for those actions.

My father had an absent father, and instead of learning what not to do with his own children, he continued the cycle. That will NOT be me. That will NOT be the father of my children.

I’m not mad at my dad. I love him because he gave me life. I love him because I have many of his good traits. He's artistic,loves music, and as an appreciation for all types of literature. He was a Buddhist for more of my life, and that expanded my worldview on religion and tolerance. At the end of the day I realize that he’s human. I realize that he just doesn’t know how to be a father, even after all these years. We talk from time to time, mostly via text message, but I don’t feel the need to try to build.

My heart still aches when I see Russell Simmons meditating with his daughters, or a father holding his daughter’s hand while crossing the street. Instead crying and feeling sorry for myself, now I smile. One day that will be my daughter, and her father, my husband.

Peace y’all.

The Gratitude Diaries: Part I: Alignment

ALIGNMENT: The act of moving of being adjusted proper relationships or orientations.

As I delve towards the life that I want to have, I am realizing that the Universe has placed some wonderful people in my life. I have always met people from different walks of life, and sometimes I wondered why these people were so different from me, yet so necessary in my life. I have friends and acquaintances all over the world, and I marvel at the awesome things they are doing in there lives. All my life I have been a magnet for successful and intriguing people.

Yesterday, while at work, I was thinking about my Facebook friends list and the various careers and expertise my friends have. How lucky am I that once I am in the place that I want to be in, I already have a network of accountants, journalists, educators, stylists, and just all around fantastic people to support me?

The only thing that world is waiting for is me! It’s up to me to keep striving for my destiny.

At the very least, I have people in my life who will make wonderful characters in some of the greatest stories I have yet to write.

I feel better than I have felt in a very long time.

The Secret, The Breakthrough, The Future

I've been in some dark places as of lately. September was a hard month for me. There was a point where I honestly felt like I would not see October. I felt useless, and not as empowered as I have felt in the past. There were so many tears, so many sleepless night, overeating, and all around drear. I went to my friend's party, and was a total downer. I made a bold decision about my relationship, and although at the time I was pretty sure it was what I wanted,I was still having a hard time dealing. A few nights ago, I awoke at 3am, with a heavy heart. I felt myself drifting into despair, and wondering what was the point of it all. I noticed on twitter that a friend was still up, so I called him and vented. I should have done it so much sooner. I had a talk with one of my good friends, and he encouraged me to start living in the moment, regardless of what others think. He said that when you feel like you have nothing else, you have one thing: TOMORROW. And then, he urged me to read The Secret.

I have heard of the book, the Law of Attraction, and everything that comes along with the theory. To be honest, I wrote it off as an attempt to sell a dream. But at the point that i was talking to him, I realized that I was at a new low, I was really feeling like things could never get better, and that changing my situation was hopeless. So, if this guy, who knows me better than anyone else, and totally comes across as this tough guy, was telling me to read this book, what did I have to lose? I got the book and started reading it a few hours later on my way to work.

Whoa...I am realizing that there is so much in the power of our words. I mean, we can talk all the negative things that we want, and all we are doing is putting that into the Universe. The version of the book I have has 206 pages, and I am already halfway finished. I should have read it years ago. I had girlfriends who read it, and praised it, yet I still dismissed it. So now, I am reading it, and recognizing lessons.

So much of what we do is in our thoughts, it's our feelings. Ever since I started reading, I have been changing my thoughts, I'm calling it "stinking thinking". Corny, yes, but effective. Every time I think about something bad, or negative, I remind myself that I have to let go of that stinking thinking. I'm visualizing all of the things that I want. The Secret's official website has a blank check you can download and fill out, and then visualize yourself receiving that amount. Issues that I struggle with (finances, weight, depression), are battles of the mind.

These principles aren't new, Christians, Buddhists,and other religions will recognize these ideas from their doctrines, which attests to the longevity of the secret.

It's only been a few days since I started reading, and changing my thinking, but I already see a change. Today, on the way home from the grocery store, there was an inexplicable joy in my heart. I can't explain it, but there was a calmness that I haven't felt in years. And I was smiling. I plan on pushing forward.

BROKEN FAST!

I missed about a week, due to a combination of vacation, work, family stuff etc. But I like what I produced, and I will continue to post my poetry here.

Main things I learned:

• I write better out of my house. Thus, I shall make more trips to the library, coffeehouses, and weather permitting- the park. I'm in the library as I type.
• I LOVE haiku. I used to think of them as poetic cop outs, but now I find it absolutely awesome that I can express full thoughts, feelings, etc in 17 syllables. How dope is that?
• Writing is my passion, and I NEED to make it more of a priority. I make time to go out on the weekends, to shop, and all the other things I want to do, and I act like writing will just be there. Then I sit down and forget that great idea. That needs to change.
  
• It's not too late to make writing a career. I received an email about people who were late bloomer yet very successful in their lives, and I was encouraged.

So thought my fast is broken, my spirit is renewed, and that was the point of the whole thing anyhow.

Day 17

Haiku (again)

I Miss You

Since you left I fiend
Like dope mama's withdrawing
Return with your love. . .

Day 16...

Between my flight, and other things. I was so exhausted that I forgot to post. So here's my piece. . .

PurpleMaryBlackstar (work in progress)
I'm writing about the feeling. . .
When I first heard Mos Def and Talib Kweli
It was like being injected with Purple Rain for the first time.
When I first heard Mary J's pain, I was turned into her, and she was me.
I sang along not knowing what it mean, I was young in age, but old in soul.
But with every verse, I was matured and prepared.
"Life can be only what you make it. . ."
Those words echoed in my heart, haunted me, and still visits me to this day.

15....

Today was that day
Where if it could go wrong, it did.
Ah, but such is life.
And more than every, I'm ready for the greens and blues of tomorrow. The lush yellows and oranges of a new day. Even if the sky reflects the brilliance in a stubborn shade of gray.
Hello new day.

Day 14...The Questions.

Do souls really intertwine?
Do they kiss into fate?
And transfer wisdoms of past lives?
Or is that all talk?

Day 13. . .

Shivers, shakes and chills
You know how good you make me feel
I'll soon see you my love.

Day 12. . .

Ebony god and other cliches
Heaven sent but sin made
Eyes that convince, hands that ease
A smile that comforts, and words that assure.
I fell for him once, but never more.

Day 11

COMMITTED TO MEMORY

SOUNDS OF SILENCE
RECALL VIOLENCE
MEMORIES OF TRAGEDIES
RECOLLECTION OF FALLACY
THE QUIET BRINGS IT BACK
THE QUIET REMINDS US
THE QUIET SHINES THE LIGHT ON THE FORGOTTEN
WE TRY TO BURY IT DEEPLY
BUT IT COMES BACK WHEN WE'RE SLEEPING
OUR PARTNERS HEAR OUR WEEPING
AND BELIEVE WE'RE ENGAGED IN NIGHTMARES
SO THEY RUB SMALLS OF BACKS GENTLY AND USHER US BACK INTO THE DEEP
NOT KNOWING THAT WE AREN'T CONJURING DEMONS
WE ARE REMEMBERING THEM
THE ONES THAT HAD THE FACES OF FAMILIARITY
FAMILY BUT THAT WAS RELATIVE
THE ONES WHO TOLD US NOT TO TELL
PAID US TO FORGET
THREATENED US WITH WET EYES AND DECLARATIONS OF PROBLEMS
AND PLEADING WITH US FOR UNDERSTANDING
SO WE OBLIGED WITH TEARS IN OUR EYES AND WE GAVE THEM ANOTHER CHANCE
WE INVOLVED OURSELVES IN ACTIVITIES LIKE BIRTHING DRINKING AND SEXING JUST SO WE COULD FORGET
BUT WE NEVER DO
WE BURY, YET STILL CARRY, AND WE PRETEND ITS NOT THERE
BUT IT ALWAYS IS........ITS EMBEDDED LIKE TATTOOS ON THICK SKINS
WHO DO WE KID? NO ONE. IT NEVER LEAVES.





Sidenote: This is getting harder. But art is pleasure and work.

Day 10. . .Haiku Kick Continues

Screaming tears, angry words
Bring sweet apologetic love
It's the making up. . .

Day 9. . .more haiku

Suns on yolky days
Lemon, saffron,other shades
Yellow's how I feel.

Day 8...posted from blackberry

Milky moon set to evaporate
Its getting early but getting late.
I'm patient but restless
This is too much.
From Ms. Stressed

Day 7

something I've been working on. . .

SUMMER..

In a perfect world it would be summer . . . without hesitation you’d be my lover.
We’d stop time when we didn’t want to be apart. Without hesitation we could read hearts
But a perfect world does not exist and for that I am truly pissed.

Day 6. . .

Untitled.
That feeling. . .
The time we spend.
The breathless moments spent breathing your air.
The lifeless minutes when you're gone.
I don't know what's worse
Waiting on you to show, or watching you go

April 5, 2009 Poem #5

4/5 Work in Progress.

The words are flowing. . .
I'm scared to hear. . .
But will die of curiousity.
Begging you to stop, but urging you to go on. . .
I need to know.

Bonus Haiku: Ocean

He calls me Ocean
So fluid with my motion
Vast love never ends

Poem #4

Feeling like it's close
Like it's enough
But then I'm empty again
Thinking I'm on the brink of losing my sanity
Wondering where all this extra need is coming from
When the self sufficient woman turned into the lovey dovey type. . .
When the independent woman became dependent on your love. . .
Just when I think I can be loved no more, that this love is becoming an addiction
That I am on the verge of losing it. . .
I get confirmation in your eyes, your smile, your words, your touch. . .
That I could never overdose.